America The Incredibly Brave

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I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the new President-Elect of the United States of America, Mr. Donald J. Trump.

 

This truly astounding, historic and best victory was of course never seriously in doubt among we ordinary hard working people who have been so badly treated by the rigged system which now no longer exists thanks to the brilliance and awesomeness of Mr. Trump, whose victory is something I personally have hoped and (when among people of faith) prayed for. Any comments attributed to me which may suggest the contrary simply don’t exist. Or if they do, these are the sorts of thing men say and shouldn’t be misinterpreted for political gain, unless you want a bop on the nose.

 

I look forward to working with Mr. Trump in the years ahead as he and all right minded politicians around the world redefine political discourse, and my wife, you know, she’s a wonderful, has relatives in South Carolina who, and It will be a huge success. It will be. It will. Trust me. It’ll be a beautiful thing.

 

I have always believed this.

TIME TO HEAL THE PARTY

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Look, you know, look. There’s been a lot of hoo-hah recently about the leadership of the Labour Party, and it’s time to draw a line under it. Not in the sense of highlighting it. That’s the last thing we need to do. No, we need to reach a conclusion and jolly well make it work.

 

Mr. Corbyn has been our Leader for less than a year now, and already, we’ve seen huge growth in Party membership, a groundswell of support for his new style of politics, and real optimism among ordinary hardworking people (who do the right… etc.) that things don’t have to be as they are. I have supported him from the very beginning (except in the sense of voting for him last year, but I didn’t vote for any of them on that occasion; I was out of the country overseeing some vital work on our home in Dubai). He is a wonderful man. A man of principle, a man of courage. A man who has campaigned to bring an end to Career Politics ever since 1974, when he was first elected to Haringey Council. He is a man who encapsulates everything that is great about this country, and I support him without reservation in every aspect of his policy.

 

And that is why I feel I have no option but to challenge him for the position of Leader of the Labour Party.

 

I realise of course that mine is not exactly a household name, but this is a wonderful opportunity for me to change that and, if nothing else, gain a few more speaking engagements (please ask for rates – I’m no Jack Straw). Be honest; how many of those resigners had you heard of before Mr. Corbyn decided to lead his all new Shadow Cabinet (now comprised entirely of shadows)? Being an unknown quantity almost worked for the Tories’ Mrs. Leadsom, didn’t it. And unlike her, I have years of experience of reading newspaper interviews I’ve given, only to find myself appalled at my own opinions.

WHY ME?

I feel I am uniquely qualified to lead the Party:

I love Jeremy Corbyn and have started growing a beard.

I may not have been born inmtc the North, but I do have a couple of homes there.

I was not the first member of my family to go to university. It’s a university today, but it was North London Poly when I was there. That was where I first joined Young Labour in 1979. I also joined the Young Conservatives, Young Liberals, the SWP & the Communist Party for the networking opportunities. Some knew how to have fun more than others, to be honest, which can’t really be said of the Tantric Flyers. You live and learn.

I can’t claim my parents were impoverished mill workers, but I believe a distant relative of my mother did own a cotton mill, having worked his way up the social ladder from humble beginnings as the son of the governor of a workhouse.

Growing up, Mrs. Thatcher didn’t so much decimate my family’s prospects as inspire me to become a politician – and if she hadn’t, I wouldn’t today be in the position to come to the rescue.

My previous Parliamentary experience (almost 30 years in the House, variously as Conservative Backbencher, Labour Backbencher, Liberal Democrat Backbencher, briefly an Independent Backbencher campaigning on the single issue of hospital closures – although I admit I was unsuccessful in that, only managing to close three – before I came home to Labour six years ago) is wider and more varied than any of my opponents in the Leadership Race, and precisely what is required in the uncertain times in which we live.

 HOW CAN YOU HELP?

If you are so fortunate as to be represented by a Labour MP or MEP, please contact them today and encourage them to support my candidacy. At time of writing, I only have 1 of the required 51 Parliamentary Labour Party endorsements, and I’m half expecting Mr. Umunna to withdraw it in a day or so.

 

Spread the word! Tell everyone you know:

It’s time for a Leader.

It’s time for a Turner.

Full English Brexit?

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Full English Brexit

Look, you know, a lot of people have contacted me over the weekend asking which way I intend to vote in the European Referendum on June 23rd. I want to be very clear about this. I simply say to you, look, you know, and I have always been quite consistent on this, so let me be very clear about it… it’s far too early to say. I haven’t yet heard all the songs, and can’t really face the thought of it happening without Terry Wogan.

 

However, I promise you this; I will be voting in Britain’s best interest (subject to any arrangements which may be offered by either side of the argument to secure my vote). But vote we must! I must. You must. You have a democratic duty to listen carefully to all the arguments for leaving and remaining, then get yourself to the Polling Station and VOTE against the vision of Post-Referendum Hell which scares you most.

 

Will leaving the EU destroy our economy or will the UK economy be destroyed by staying?.. Mr. Farage says leaving the EU is the only way to prevent unwanted immigration; Mrs. May says remaining strengthens our ability to deport people… Do you agree with Labour’s Keir Starmer that leaving the EU would put this country at greater risk of terrorist attack, or with the Conservatives’ Ian Duncan Smith that staying in the EU would put this country at greater risk of terrorist attack? So many important issues to consider in what will, I’m sure, be a reasoned, moderate and informative debate over the next four months.

 

I tell you this; I didn’t vote to stay in the European Union at the last EU Referendum. I was 15. Yet, when I campaigned more recently in the Scottish Referendum, many of the dear little people I met there told me MY interventions were directly responsible for their turning out to vote, so I take my responsibility in these matters very seriously indeed – and I might mention here that I was extremely disappointed recently to find myself accused of scaremongering about Europe! Nothing could be further from the truth. I simply observed that more dangerous animals have escaped from UK zoos since we joined Europe than at any other time in our history. By the same token, since we’ve been EU members, very few of us have been mauled by wild animals and eaten all up. These are the things we have to consider.

 

A useful starting point would be to read the full agreement achieved by the Prime Minister last week in Brussels. And I certainly intend to do that at some point. Until then, like you, I continue to argue from a position of instinct and hunch, which have always served us so well in the past.

 

Look, it’s all about doing the right thing to do. If you vote to remain, you will make the life of David Cameron very much easier. It would please him, and Mr. Osborne and Mr. Javid and Mr. Hunt. I realise this may encourage some people to vote the opposite way, but they should remember that a vote to remain would also please Mr. Corbyn and Mr. Benn. And someone called Mr. Farron. A vote to leave, on the other hand, would ally you with Mr. Farage, Mr. Galloway and Mr. Gove. An Out Vote would almost certainly mark the end of Mr. Cameron’s term as Prime Minister. Possibly paving the way for PM Boris Johnson. It’s a conundrum alright. And when I have reached a definitive position, I shall of course let you know what it is, and will expect you to rally behind me without question.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Cheerio.

 

p.s. Recent sales of my mainland European property portfolio are indicative of nothing more than a coincidental period of marshalling funds for my forthcoming purchase of a small castle in this country. My country. Great Britain.

 

 

 

French Resistance

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france-flagPlease excuse any typographical mistakes in this entry. The sun is making it a little hard to see the screen on my laptop machine as I type to you from our home in Perpignan in the South of France, where the weather is simply glorious today. I hear it’s a little on the chilly side back home, so I offer you my most Corbynian nod of solidarity, but I think we’ll stay put for a little while. Although I do have some work to oversee at our property on Lesbos, where it’s even warmer…

Look, you know, look. I won’t take much of your time with this article – I want to get back to the beach – but I thought I should give you a few words of comfort in the aftermath of the terrible events in Paris this weekend. One of my advisers suggested I shouldn’t, as some people regard me as “some sort of comedian”, which is obviously nonsense, although it’s true that even some of my most serious statements have been laughed at in public meetings, but I think that’s just because the electorate is a little bit dim. So please understand that my remarks are about how we should respond to this appalling act of terrorism.

The attacks themselves are not a subject for humour. Their rationale appears to have been that bloody massacre is a legitimate way to counter the “prostitution and vice” of going to a restaurant, or a sporting or cultural event. The Deputy Mayor of Paris, agreeing with his President that this was an act of war, quoted Churchill’s line that “this is not the end, nor the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning”. The great American stateswoman Madonna observed at her concert the next night that no-one in the world has the right to stop us doing what we love.

And that’s the point.

The murders are not a subject for humour. But humour and art and fun are also under attack, so I say we use them in our Resistance. I don’t believe anyone has ever said this before, but it is my belief that one has to fight… for one’s right… to partake in the rich cultural life of our society, which we all value so highly. So don’t change your habits. Don’t stop laughing. Don’t let them win. Fight those who would have you do otherwise. Fight them with your lifestyle and beliefs and behaviour. We must fight them in the bistros, in the galleries and restaurants and bars. We’ll fight them in the zoos and the theme parks, the theatres and cabaret clubs. And we shall never surrender.

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All we have to offer, ladies and gentlemen, is sweat, tears and Facebook filters. At long last, no-one will be offended if you remove your rainbow-hued photos. Together, let us SHARE those memes, LIKE those rants, and NEVER, EVER click on anything by Britain First! We shall, I promise, overcome.

Cheerio.

Magnus Turner MP

Corbyn Mania!

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I apologise to regular readers for my silence since the General Election. It was a very difficult time, and as you can imagine, I was devastated by the result. I had so nearly defected to the Tories, you see, and would have if only I’d thought they had a chance of winning. No-one could have predicted that result. Least of all Mr. Cameron, who did everything in his power to avoid it.

Yesterday though, I couldn’t have been happier that instead, I came home to Labour. It’s where I belong of course, and if our new leader’s speech to Conference was anything to go by, I think we’re in for a marvellous ride back to government. Over the next four years, to quote Jeremy’s somewhat contemporary style of speaking, we’re going to build a kinda politics.

I celebrated his inaugural Conference speech by delivering a short appreciation of the leader that evening to my fellow lefties at an off-off-fringe-fringe event in Brighton, the theme of which was CORBYN MANIA.

a message from Jason

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Hello

This is Jason, Communications & Technical Assistant to Magnus Turner MP. I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have sent messages to Mr. Turner which didn’t threaten violence against him. Many people have asked whether he was successful in last night’s General Election and so far as I know, he was. He’s been celebrating his victory most of this week, since long before polling day, and he’s usually right about these things. However, he hasn’t been seen since the early hours of this morning. I was just arriving for work when he stormed out of the house, shouting “Douglas Alexander’s lost his seat now. Although I’m sure he’ll deny it”.

It is believed he took an early flight to an undisclosed location. So if you’re reading this in a warm country, could you please look out for him and ask him to call me or his wife? I would be happy to provide a list of countries in which he has property or business interests if that would help.

I know that he had been concerned throughout the campaign that his party, the Liberal Democrats, may find themselves playing a slightly reduced role in the new government, and in recent weeks, he would occasionally invite me into the room he had recently renamed his McStudy, to have a chat while playing Proclaimers albums. He was considering crossing the floor again, but as he’s already been a member of the Conservatives and Labour, his options were narrowing. I don’t think his concentration was helped by the constant emails and voice messages from some lady who just kept shouting at him “Leave us alone. You’re not even Scottish”.

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He also said to me that he was considering standing as an Independent – and may even have done so for all I know, although he was struggling to find a single issue to campaign on. He told me he’d heard two or three people had done quite well on the issue of hospital closures. He just couldn’t decide which hospital he wanted to close down.

I’m sure he’ll explain all this in person at some point, and he’s bound to be home in time for the upcoming vote on MPs’ 11% pay rise; he’s been looking forward to that one.

Until then, thank you for your vote and for your concern.

Jason

Communications & Technical Assistant to Magnus Turner MP

Almost there now!

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As I write this, just five campaigning days remain until the nation goes  to the polls! Who will form the next government? Most of us, by the look of things. I was very impressed by the BBC Question Time Leaders’ event two nights ago. The audience were incisive, challenging, well informed… all the things we’ve been trying so hard to avoid for the last three weeks.  It was a dreadful night for politics, but hopefully we can put that behind us and focus on the real issue at this election: Just how gorgeous IS that royal baby?

For my part, I’ve been out on the doorstep doing my bit to inform your decision on Voting Day:

You’re welcome.

General Election podcast

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I know how hard you’re finding it to decide between the parties as we approach the big day, so I have taken the trouble to prepare a short Election Special podcast to assist you. It’s here:

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It’s also online here and should be popping up on iTunes quite soon. I believe you can subscribe to that and never miss another edition.

My Birmingham Interview – An Apology

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You will be aware by now that I made a very unfortunate error in a recent media interview, and I wish to apologise for that.

 

Speaking on Birmingham’s Fix News, a closed circuit channel broadcast throughout the Bump-A-Ka car body repair shop, I made the assertion that New York was built entirely out of pizza. At the time, I believed this to be true; yes, I have visited New York but have never tasted the architecture, so had no reason to question the validity of my claim. I merely wished to warn other American and European cities of the danger of dough-based civil engineering. My further suggestion that certain areas of New York were now policed by fundamentalist garlic bread eating vigilantes beyond the control of conventional law enforcement was, it now transpires, something of an overstatement of the facts. 

Downtown Manhattan yesterday

Downtown Manhattan yesterday

Now, I could hide behind excuses that my special adviser, Tobias Tomlinson, had told me this and claimed to have supporting evidence, so it’s not my fault but his, but I won’t do that, even though that is what actually happened. No, the responsibility is mine and mine alone. Mr Tomlinson’s decision to seek alternative employment this afternoon is entirely coincidental and I wish him well in his new field, whatever that may be. I shall be only too happy to recommend his services to any employer of manual labourers.

 

I apologise unreservedly to every citizen of New York and to every pizza and construction worker everywhere. I have made a donation to some charity or other.

 

Hearing people repeat my foolish words back at me today has felt exactly like having electrodes attached to my genitals while being beaten about the head through the terrifying darkness of a potato sack.

 

Magnus Turner MP

 

Addendum

 

I understand some people were offended by my analogy in the above apology. I merely meant that I welcome public scrutiny of my words, even if that scrutiny involves enhanced interview techniques such as asking me hard questions about the source of my information and that, being unwilling to publicly discredit Tobias Tomlinson, whose fault this really was, all I could do was cry and beg for it to stop.

 

I hope this makes my position clear.

 

You know, this whole situation has reminded me of the time I went snowboarding with Pol Pot…

 

… actually, I think I’ll leave it at that.

 

A new year has dawned, has it not?

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Wishing you a very happy new year!

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To help you fight off the back to work blues, I have prepared a new podcast for you! You can download it from the internet right now. I urge you to do so.

And do spread the good news!

 

 

For the benefit of future political historians, it has also been archived on this site, at Podcasts: At Your Service

 

Happy General Election Year!

 

 

(Election music: Epic by www.bensound.com)